December 31st, 1996

Tuesday

Took 2 Valium and few spoonfuls of Mogadon cosh. Went over to Gonks house with Stu at 2pm and stayed all night drinking with him, Marcia and a fellow named Barry. Marcia made sandwiches and hot dogs, we all watched films and played Monopoly (seems you can play it drunk.) Was a good night. New Years Eve, although it didn't feel like it at all. Man I put away some alcohol! There was cider, lager and there was Special Brew! Lifesbood of tramps and street poets the world over (or at least wherever sells the soupy Brew.)
Good company is essential on a night like this. Had I been in Elkington Towers I would have been alone because the younger crews have all lost their f**king minds to student music and flights of fancy. Rats! F*k them all.
I must have dozed off (well fallen comatose) around 2am. Smoked 20 ciggues but steered clear of the grren bud. It works for others but weed/cannabis has never got me off. I just feel ill with it. I'll stick to pills, powders and booze. We're all different and the chalk takes me exactly where I want to go. Its my gear.


Going This Life Alone

December 30th, 1996

Monday

Came around (I never 'wake up' during a binge) feeling rather dodgy which irony of iront, thought of a doctors appointment did ittle to help ease my pains. Still I did drink a litre of strong cider before I went in at 4pm. I simply cannot face that woman straight. Luckily I did too because I was in with her for just over half hour just shooting the shit about life in general. (City folks won't understand this with their 5 minute and out doctors sessions.) I got the desired pills! Nitrazepam (Mogadon) 10mg in liquid cosh form and 5mg Valium yum yum. Not only 10 and 5 mg I hasten to add! Those are just the strength of medication im on, I have a prescription for a week. Very very happy. Bead bloody chuffed. Although I won't abuse them to the point of having none left before my next appointment.
This now means that the pangs of alcohol withdrawal will be softer on my body and soul. I even gave the cosh and tablets to Mum to keep safe. Stu and I went down to Gonks house for the evening. Went back to half a bottle of vodka in Pen Y Mynydd and slept sound! I did feel rather low but now of course I feel fantastic. In the morning I will be low agian but this is why my prescription is a good thing. A cushion to fall back on after a binge but of course this is not what the medication is for haha!


Actual page from my diary

28 & 29 December, 1996

Saturday

Went to Grans and my Aunt and Uncle from Penclawdd were there watching the Eisteddfod. "Why don't you go into that?" Della asked. "It has to be Welsh language poetry," I replied. "To my shame, Ive only written a few Welsh poems." "Dylan Thomas never won a Chair eithe", Barnett chipped in. True too, we both were destined to never appear in the Eisteddfod. Ive been to them mind you, but not appeared IN them.
The evening was fraught with tension. Mainly from Dad not going out and because I dislike watching television, I froze in my bedroom all night. Dad doesn't watch the same things I do anyway. Mum wants me to bother the doctor about my nervous tension, anxiety and panic attacks but im not going to be pill'd out of my head on doctors orders. On MY orders YES, and when I want a buzz but never through a doc.
Smoked 11 cigarettes. Went to bed 3am.

Zero Alcohol


Sunday

Woke up and took a few Valium. Went to Pen Y Mynydd for sunday roast and decided to stay over for the night. Ann Marie brought Jade over and we (Mum, Stu, Jade and Myself) went to Clydach market, then back to Grans for tea. Jade has gone so busy! She's into everything! So beautiful, proud Uncle here.
In Pen Y Mynydd I drank a bottle of vodka and cans of lager. Must have smoked 12 damned ciggies too, the filthy, rotten things. Went down to Gonk's house later in the evening with Stu. Good laugh. Pissed drunk all night.

Hic!!

27th December, 1996

Friday

Arose feeling like I hadn't slept all night but I did because I remember dreaming. Took 2 Valium to calm my 'head thoughts' (tense headache), had a bath and instantly felt better. Mum phoned asking if I wanted to go up to Pen Y Mynydd, but I told her I felt as though I was having a heart attack because of chest pains but she put it down to anxiety. I do so love to be overly dramatic and perhaps gain a few grains of attention along the way. (Sad I know.)
Nevertheless I did go up and there were lots there: Stu, Gonk, Marcia, Ann Marie, Heidi, Barry and of course all the children. It was good, none of the kids bickered or squabbled, they got on great. I felt slightly left out not having children or anything. Might sound silly but I did feel 'strange' because I hadn't become a father yet. Millions don't, snap out of it lad!
Mum said, "it won't make you drink because we're all drinking will it?" I wish she wouldn't ask that all the time, im not a bloody sheep, it takes more than a group of people boozing to rev up my engines. (Lonliness is a good reason I find.) I stuck to tea and sparkling water. Was I the slightest bit envious at the drinkers? A tad if im honest of course but alas the trail after my alcoholic sessions is never pretty and my body and mind are ravaged a great deal so im better sober in the longer run.
Came homw at 8pm and read (and wrote) a letter to Tara. Later on I succumbed to the wretched television until 3 in the morning. Sleep comes hard without the sting, but I did finally fall into a beautiful slumber by 3:30am.

Zero Booze

26 December, 1996

Thursday

Awoke 4am feeling altogether unwell, the result of a 6 day binge. I tried to feel better by drinking a can of Mild 2.7% (ah the mechanics of alcoholism) but it was a useless attempt because I brought it all back up. Lovely! Went back to bed ill and in fear of my health, although sleep mercifully did arrive.
At 10:30am I was awake again to the pains of over indulgence and was sick for a while. I had the shakes (or DTs) but I swallowed 2 valium and they did their job. Still, I remained in bed all day reading 'The Holocaust' by Paul Johnson, and if hell does exist then Hitler and his heartless cronies are surely in it right up to their wretched necks.
Dad shouted upstairs that Mum was on the phone but I told him to tell her I was feeling too foul to answer. Im certain she knows why. At one stage it felt as if my insides were actually rotting away. I must stay clear of alcohol! Listened to the radio with a nervous headache all evening. Terrible shite. Also picked up 'Death's Door' too, short stories of people who have experienced NDEs (near death experiences.) Dying of course is a mystery offering up many questions but I do recall T.S. Elliot writing, "I shall be glad of another death." Sounds good to me!
Watched television from 11pm to 3am and was restless the entire time. Im going to give sobriety my best shot, I can't do more can I? If I carry on boozing I fear insanity or death will follow.

Zero Booze

25 December, 1996

Wednesday

A crazy day! I got up unwell but being Christmas day I knew I had to sort myself out so I drank a bottle of red Claret by 10am. Then opened my presents inbetweeen mouthfuls of lager, madness! The gifts were great but always is the thought that they are not the real reason behind these holidays. You see I do believe in God which suprises some/most. It might not be God exactly but its a faith in a spiritual side and its there within me whatever it is.
I was in a foul mood in the car with my Dad on the way to Mums. I made V signs to oncoming traffic and twice tried to grab the steering wheel. Behaviour I most certainly don't possess when sober! (Another reason among countless others to quit boozing.) I couldn't face food at first but after a few glasses of port I did manage to lift a fork. We (Stu, Mum and myself) went over to Heidi's house in the afternoon to see Rebecca. Played various that sent me back to childhood. Mum was yapping about jobs and said, "with Steve its different because it takes talent to write poetry and be in the papers. Its a born gift." The embarrassment! She also made a true observation in that "he can stay off the drink for weeks but when he does drink, he really drinks!"
Went back to Pen Y Mynydd later and Stu and I played "Cool Boarders" on the Playstation in the dining room. With drinks of course. I felt ill all day but continued to top the sickness up with more booze! Needless to say I arrived back in Burry Port drunk to the gills and it hadn't softened my earlier mood either.
I argued with Dad again about marriage and its wrong to stay single, or some such pish. It was a silly argument.