1997 Diary of Poet Steven Francis. Larger than Life, wiser than Yoda! This journal features failure and successes. And blood, never forget the blood...
Thursday, 26 December 2013
Friday, 21 December 2012
January 3rd, 1997
Friday
God I feel worn out. Awoke 8:30am but I think I could have slept all day, talk about feeling lethargic! But ive got to clean the beer debris and bags of bile from my room (glamorous huh?) then take a much needed bath. Its been three days since I bathed. One of the many downsides to addiction is it stinks. Literally! Took a few Valium.
Danny called over, talk about suprise,thought everyone had forgotten me. He gave me his college address. Took me ages to have a bloody bath, I was glad when he left.
Had 10 Mogadon (Nitrazepam) delivered by the 'Candyman', so now I have Nitrazepam in both liquid and chalk (tablet) form. Plus valium. Very happy!
My Korn hooded sweatshirt arrived. Cool. Took 25mg of Mogadon cosh and 2 valium 5mg at 6:30pm, f**k it I was bored and Jonesing for a buzz off something. Sat in my room floating, and f**k its cold too! Don't bother going out much when im off the booze. Smoked 10 ciggies and when Dad went out I went downstairs for a mooch about, see what was on the History channel. Crashed out at 1:15am after watching 'Seven' (Morgan Freeman and Kevin Spacey.) Brilliant film. Critics said it was as good as 'The Silence Of The Lambs' but I thought it was better. Morgan Freeman is one of Americas best actors and im a big fan of most of his work. He has a mesmerising screen presence and hisvoice is so perfect in that velvety, scotch tinged drawl.
Zero Booze
God I feel worn out. Awoke 8:30am but I think I could have slept all day, talk about feeling lethargic! But ive got to clean the beer debris and bags of bile from my room (glamorous huh?) then take a much needed bath. Its been three days since I bathed. One of the many downsides to addiction is it stinks. Literally! Took a few Valium.
Danny called over, talk about suprise,thought everyone had forgotten me. He gave me his college address. Took me ages to have a bloody bath, I was glad when he left.
Had 10 Mogadon (Nitrazepam) delivered by the 'Candyman', so now I have Nitrazepam in both liquid and chalk (tablet) form. Plus valium. Very happy!
My Korn hooded sweatshirt arrived. Cool. Took 25mg of Mogadon cosh and 2 valium 5mg at 6:30pm, f**k it I was bored and Jonesing for a buzz off something. Sat in my room floating, and f**k its cold too! Don't bother going out much when im off the booze. Smoked 10 ciggies and when Dad went out I went downstairs for a mooch about, see what was on the History channel. Crashed out at 1:15am after watching 'Seven' (Morgan Freeman and Kevin Spacey.) Brilliant film. Critics said it was as good as 'The Silence Of The Lambs' but I thought it was better. Morgan Freeman is one of Americas best actors and im a big fan of most of his work. He has a mesmerising screen presence and hisvoice is so perfect in that velvety, scotch tinged drawl.
Zero Booze
Thursday, 13 December 2012
January 2nd, 1997
Thursday
Sick with bile all day. Green stream flowing from my yawn like a nuclear leak from another world. Woe is me! I took a few Valium but reckon I must have thrown them up again because I felt none calmer. The effects these binges have on me is madness so it has to be the straight and narrow for this boyo from now on. No booze and AA meetings. I remained in bed all day reading and re reading Playstation magazines, trying to find some humour to ease the suffering. I feel like utter crap! Worse than crap.
The only susbstance to have passed my lips (besides the Valium) is water. Think i'll go on a fruit and vegetable diet for a week to clean my insides out. Total detox. I feel sick just thinking about meat and junk food! Began to to feel a bit better by 10pm ish, and at 11:25pm took 25mg Nitrazepam.
Went downstairs and watched a few progs id recorded: Only Fools and Horses and Ronnie Barker: A Life in Comedy. Loved old Ronnie, perfect comedy timing. Felt the Mogadon cosh doing its job. Felt oh so mellow and lovely. Yes lovely is the perfect word to describe the feelings when under the magical influence of Nitrazepam. Beautiful stuff, an elixir from the gods.
Smoked 6 cigarettes (f**king things) and went to bed 2:20am
Zero Booze
Sick with bile all day. Green stream flowing from my yawn like a nuclear leak from another world. Woe is me! I took a few Valium but reckon I must have thrown them up again because I felt none calmer. The effects these binges have on me is madness so it has to be the straight and narrow for this boyo from now on. No booze and AA meetings. I remained in bed all day reading and re reading Playstation magazines, trying to find some humour to ease the suffering. I feel like utter crap! Worse than crap.
The only susbstance to have passed my lips (besides the Valium) is water. Think i'll go on a fruit and vegetable diet for a week to clean my insides out. Total detox. I feel sick just thinking about meat and junk food! Began to to feel a bit better by 10pm ish, and at 11:25pm took 25mg Nitrazepam.
Went downstairs and watched a few progs id recorded: Only Fools and Horses and Ronnie Barker: A Life in Comedy. Loved old Ronnie, perfect comedy timing. Felt the Mogadon cosh doing its job. Felt oh so mellow and lovely. Yes lovely is the perfect word to describe the feelings when under the magical influence of Nitrazepam. Beautiful stuff, an elixir from the gods.
Smoked 6 cigarettes (f**king things) and went to bed 2:20am
Zero Booze
Friday, 7 December 2012
January 1st, 1997
Wednesday
In Gonks house. Awoke (or came around rather) and Barry was already drinking. At 10am. So Stu and I hit the sauce too. Seemed rude not to. Went back to Mums at 4pm for grub then took me and a bottle of Smirnoff home to Burry where I proceeded to booze all night. I shall have a brimstone hangover from the septic bile of Lucifer in the morning but im determined that this will be my last binge. I need to get clean.
Smoked only 5 ciggies which I was happy about. Took some Valium and Mogadon cosh to add more fruit to my already hammering buzz. Drank a sh!t load of vodka. Later in the evening I decided to feed nextdoors cat!? Why? Who but the God Of Alcohol knows?
I slipped into a total drunken heap by 1am.
ZZZZzzzzzz
In Gonks house. Awoke (or came around rather) and Barry was already drinking. At 10am. So Stu and I hit the sauce too. Seemed rude not to. Went back to Mums at 4pm for grub then took me and a bottle of Smirnoff home to Burry where I proceeded to booze all night. I shall have a brimstone hangover from the septic bile of Lucifer in the morning but im determined that this will be my last binge. I need to get clean.
Smoked only 5 ciggies which I was happy about. Took some Valium and Mogadon cosh to add more fruit to my already hammering buzz. Drank a sh!t load of vodka. Later in the evening I decided to feed nextdoors cat!? Why? Who but the God Of Alcohol knows?
I slipped into a total drunken heap by 1am.
ZZZZzzzzzz
Monday, 26 November 2012
December 31st, 1996
Tuesday
Took 2 Valium and few spoonfuls of Mogadon cosh. Went over to Gonks house with Stu at 2pm and stayed all night drinking with him, Marcia and a fellow named Barry. Marcia made sandwiches and hot dogs, we all watched films and played Monopoly (seems you can play it drunk.) Was a good night. New Years Eve, although it didn't feel like it at all. Man I put away some alcohol! There was cider, lager and there was Special Brew! Lifesbood of tramps and street poets the world over (or at least wherever sells the soupy Brew.)
Good company is essential on a night like this. Had I been in Elkington Towers I would have been alone because the younger crews have all lost their f**king minds to student music and flights of fancy. Rats! F*k them all.
I must have dozed off (well fallen comatose) around 2am. Smoked 20 ciggues but steered clear of the grren bud. It works for others but weed/cannabis has never got me off. I just feel ill with it. I'll stick to pills, powders and booze. We're all different and the chalk takes me exactly where I want to go. Its my gear.
Going This Life Alone
Took 2 Valium and few spoonfuls of Mogadon cosh. Went over to Gonks house with Stu at 2pm and stayed all night drinking with him, Marcia and a fellow named Barry. Marcia made sandwiches and hot dogs, we all watched films and played Monopoly (seems you can play it drunk.) Was a good night. New Years Eve, although it didn't feel like it at all. Man I put away some alcohol! There was cider, lager and there was Special Brew! Lifesbood of tramps and street poets the world over (or at least wherever sells the soupy Brew.)
Good company is essential on a night like this. Had I been in Elkington Towers I would have been alone because the younger crews have all lost their f**king minds to student music and flights of fancy. Rats! F*k them all.
I must have dozed off (well fallen comatose) around 2am. Smoked 20 ciggues but steered clear of the grren bud. It works for others but weed/cannabis has never got me off. I just feel ill with it. I'll stick to pills, powders and booze. We're all different and the chalk takes me exactly where I want to go. Its my gear.
Going This Life Alone
Friday, 16 November 2012
December 30th, 1996
Monday
Came around (I never 'wake up' during a binge) feeling rather dodgy which irony of iront, thought of a doctors appointment did ittle to help ease my pains. Still I did drink a litre of strong cider before I went in at 4pm. I simply cannot face that woman straight. Luckily I did too because I was in with her for just over half hour just shooting the shit about life in general. (City folks won't understand this with their 5 minute and out doctors sessions.) I got the desired pills! Nitrazepam (Mogadon) 10mg in liquid cosh form and 5mg Valium yum yum. Not only 10 and 5 mg I hasten to add! Those are just the strength of medication im on, I have a prescription for a week. Very very happy. Bead bloody chuffed. Although I won't abuse them to the point of having none left before my next appointment.
This now means that the pangs of alcohol withdrawal will be softer on my body and soul. I even gave the cosh and tablets to Mum to keep safe. Stu and I went down to Gonks house for the evening. Went back to half a bottle of vodka in Pen Y Mynydd and slept sound! I did feel rather low but now of course I feel fantastic. In the morning I will be low agian but this is why my prescription is a good thing. A cushion to fall back on after a binge but of course this is not what the medication is for haha!
Actual page from my diary
Came around (I never 'wake up' during a binge) feeling rather dodgy which irony of iront, thought of a doctors appointment did ittle to help ease my pains. Still I did drink a litre of strong cider before I went in at 4pm. I simply cannot face that woman straight. Luckily I did too because I was in with her for just over half hour just shooting the shit about life in general. (City folks won't understand this with their 5 minute and out doctors sessions.) I got the desired pills! Nitrazepam (Mogadon) 10mg in liquid cosh form and 5mg Valium yum yum. Not only 10 and 5 mg I hasten to add! Those are just the strength of medication im on, I have a prescription for a week. Very very happy. Bead bloody chuffed. Although I won't abuse them to the point of having none left before my next appointment.
This now means that the pangs of alcohol withdrawal will be softer on my body and soul. I even gave the cosh and tablets to Mum to keep safe. Stu and I went down to Gonks house for the evening. Went back to half a bottle of vodka in Pen Y Mynydd and slept sound! I did feel rather low but now of course I feel fantastic. In the morning I will be low agian but this is why my prescription is a good thing. A cushion to fall back on after a binge but of course this is not what the medication is for haha!
Actual page from my diary
Tuesday, 13 November 2012
28 & 29 December, 1996
Saturday
Went to Grans and my Aunt and Uncle from Penclawdd were there watching the Eisteddfod. "Why don't you go into that?" Della asked. "It has to be Welsh language poetry," I replied. "To my shame, Ive only written a few Welsh poems." "Dylan Thomas never won a Chair eithe", Barnett chipped in. True too, we both were destined to never appear in the Eisteddfod. Ive been to them mind you, but not appeared IN them.
The evening was fraught with tension. Mainly from Dad not going out and because I dislike watching television, I froze in my bedroom all night. Dad doesn't watch the same things I do anyway. Mum wants me to bother the doctor about my nervous tension, anxiety and panic attacks but im not going to be pill'd out of my head on doctors orders. On MY orders YES, and when I want a buzz but never through a doc.
Smoked 11 cigarettes. Went to bed 3am.
Zero Alcohol
Sunday
Woke up and took a few Valium. Went to Pen Y Mynydd for sunday roast and decided to stay over for the night. Ann Marie brought Jade over and we (Mum, Stu, Jade and Myself) went to Clydach market, then back to Grans for tea. Jade has gone so busy! She's into everything! So beautiful, proud Uncle here.
In Pen Y Mynydd I drank a bottle of vodka and cans of lager. Must have smoked 12 damned ciggies too, the filthy, rotten things. Went down to Gonk's house later in the evening with Stu. Good laugh. Pissed drunk all night.
Hic!!
Went to Grans and my Aunt and Uncle from Penclawdd were there watching the Eisteddfod. "Why don't you go into that?" Della asked. "It has to be Welsh language poetry," I replied. "To my shame, Ive only written a few Welsh poems." "Dylan Thomas never won a Chair eithe", Barnett chipped in. True too, we both were destined to never appear in the Eisteddfod. Ive been to them mind you, but not appeared IN them.
The evening was fraught with tension. Mainly from Dad not going out and because I dislike watching television, I froze in my bedroom all night. Dad doesn't watch the same things I do anyway. Mum wants me to bother the doctor about my nervous tension, anxiety and panic attacks but im not going to be pill'd out of my head on doctors orders. On MY orders YES, and when I want a buzz but never through a doc.
Smoked 11 cigarettes. Went to bed 3am.
Zero Alcohol
Sunday
Woke up and took a few Valium. Went to Pen Y Mynydd for sunday roast and decided to stay over for the night. Ann Marie brought Jade over and we (Mum, Stu, Jade and Myself) went to Clydach market, then back to Grans for tea. Jade has gone so busy! She's into everything! So beautiful, proud Uncle here.
In Pen Y Mynydd I drank a bottle of vodka and cans of lager. Must have smoked 12 damned ciggies too, the filthy, rotten things. Went down to Gonk's house later in the evening with Stu. Good laugh. Pissed drunk all night.
Hic!!
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