January 3rd, 1997

Friday

God I feel worn out. Awoke 8:30am but I think I could have slept all day, talk about feeling lethargic! But ive got to clean the beer debris and bags of bile from my room (glamorous huh?) then take a much needed bath. Its been three days since I bathed. One of the many downsides to addiction is it stinks. Literally! Took a few Valium.
Danny called over, talk about suprise,thought everyone had forgotten me. He gave me his college address. Took me ages to have a bloody bath, I was glad when he left.
Had 10 Mogadon (Nitrazepam) delivered by the 'Candyman', so now I have Nitrazepam in both liquid and chalk (tablet) form. Plus valium. Very happy!

My Korn hooded sweatshirt arrived. Cool. Took 25mg of Mogadon cosh and 2 valium 5mg at 6:30pm, f**k it I was bored and Jonesing for a buzz off something. Sat in my room floating, and f**k its cold too! Don't bother going out much when im off the booze. Smoked 10 ciggies and when Dad went out I went downstairs for a mooch about, see what was on the History channel. Crashed out at 1:15am after watching 'Seven' (Morgan Freeman and Kevin Spacey.) Brilliant film. Critics said it was as good as 'The Silence Of The Lambs' but I thought it was better. Morgan Freeman is one of Americas best actors and im a big fan of most of his work. He has a mesmerising screen presence and hisvoice is so perfect in that velvety, scotch tinged drawl.

Zero Booze

25 December, 1996

Wednesday

A crazy day! I got up unwell but being Christmas day I knew I had to sort myself out so I drank a bottle of red Claret by 10am. Then opened my presents inbetweeen mouthfuls of lager, madness! The gifts were great but always is the thought that they are not the real reason behind these holidays. You see I do believe in God which suprises some/most. It might not be God exactly but its a faith in a spiritual side and its there within me whatever it is.
I was in a foul mood in the car with my Dad on the way to Mums. I made V signs to oncoming traffic and twice tried to grab the steering wheel. Behaviour I most certainly don't possess when sober! (Another reason among countless others to quit boozing.) I couldn't face food at first but after a few glasses of port I did manage to lift a fork. We (Stu, Mum and myself) went over to Heidi's house in the afternoon to see Rebecca. Played various that sent me back to childhood. Mum was yapping about jobs and said, "with Steve its different because it takes talent to write poetry and be in the papers. Its a born gift." The embarrassment! She also made a true observation in that "he can stay off the drink for weeks but when he does drink, he really drinks!"
Went back to Pen Y Mynydd later and Stu and I played "Cool Boarders" on the Playstation in the dining room. With drinks of course. I felt ill all day but continued to top the sickness up with more booze! Needless to say I arrived back in Burry Port drunk to the gills and it hadn't softened my earlier mood either.
I argued with Dad again about marriage and its wrong to stay single, or some such pish. It was a silly argument.