27th December, 1996

Friday

Arose feeling like I hadn't slept all night but I did because I remember dreaming. Took 2 Valium to calm my 'head thoughts' (tense headache), had a bath and instantly felt better. Mum phoned asking if I wanted to go up to Pen Y Mynydd, but I told her I felt as though I was having a heart attack because of chest pains but she put it down to anxiety. I do so love to be overly dramatic and perhaps gain a few grains of attention along the way. (Sad I know.)
Nevertheless I did go up and there were lots there: Stu, Gonk, Marcia, Ann Marie, Heidi, Barry and of course all the children. It was good, none of the kids bickered or squabbled, they got on great. I felt slightly left out not having children or anything. Might sound silly but I did feel 'strange' because I hadn't become a father yet. Millions don't, snap out of it lad!
Mum said, "it won't make you drink because we're all drinking will it?" I wish she wouldn't ask that all the time, im not a bloody sheep, it takes more than a group of people boozing to rev up my engines. (Lonliness is a good reason I find.) I stuck to tea and sparkling water. Was I the slightest bit envious at the drinkers? A tad if im honest of course but alas the trail after my alcoholic sessions is never pretty and my body and mind are ravaged a great deal so im better sober in the longer run.
Came homw at 8pm and read (and wrote) a letter to Tara. Later on I succumbed to the wretched television until 3 in the morning. Sleep comes hard without the sting, but I did finally fall into a beautiful slumber by 3:30am.

Zero Booze

25 December, 1996

Wednesday

A crazy day! I got up unwell but being Christmas day I knew I had to sort myself out so I drank a bottle of red Claret by 10am. Then opened my presents inbetweeen mouthfuls of lager, madness! The gifts were great but always is the thought that they are not the real reason behind these holidays. You see I do believe in God which suprises some/most. It might not be God exactly but its a faith in a spiritual side and its there within me whatever it is.
I was in a foul mood in the car with my Dad on the way to Mums. I made V signs to oncoming traffic and twice tried to grab the steering wheel. Behaviour I most certainly don't possess when sober! (Another reason among countless others to quit boozing.) I couldn't face food at first but after a few glasses of port I did manage to lift a fork. We (Stu, Mum and myself) went over to Heidi's house in the afternoon to see Rebecca. Played various that sent me back to childhood. Mum was yapping about jobs and said, "with Steve its different because it takes talent to write poetry and be in the papers. Its a born gift." The embarrassment! She also made a true observation in that "he can stay off the drink for weeks but when he does drink, he really drinks!"
Went back to Pen Y Mynydd later and Stu and I played "Cool Boarders" on the Playstation in the dining room. With drinks of course. I felt ill all day but continued to top the sickness up with more booze! Needless to say I arrived back in Burry Port drunk to the gills and it hadn't softened my earlier mood either.
I argued with Dad again about marriage and its wrong to stay single, or some such pish. It was a silly argument.